Finding Not-God-ness

surrender

After Party Chat posts a letter written by Joshua Leonard to his brother who was still active in his addiction. Joshua reflects on his struggle with surrender:

I spent years (well into my early recovery) painting elaborate stories in my brain about why “I was right.” I would have hours of conversations with people inside my own head and make up their side of the story/conversation, too. Then I would rebut their story with lawyer-like precision until I came to a place where I won.

The more that I actually lost in my life, the better my internal lawyer would have to be to win the case. But my brain is fierce and my will is strong, so I could do it. To the bitter end I could do it.

I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re anything like I was (and still am at times, when I’m in my deepest fear), you’ve read this letter and your brain is telling you, “He doesn’t understand.” It will sum up the years that I’ve spent in pain wishing to have a better connection with you, the days (since I found out about the extent of your habit) that I’ve spent praying and crying, and the hours that I’ve spent writing and rewriting this letter into some form of a write-off.

“He loves me but he doesn’t get my life.”

“He’s too caught up in his own bullshit to see what’s actually going on with me.”

“He means well, but I got this thing. I know how to do this.”

I love his description and thought it fit very nicely with Ernie Kurtz’s concept of not-God-ness.

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One response to “Finding Not-God-ness

  1. Joshua’s letter is so touching and heart-breaking. It certainly will make someone feel less alone- as Joshua intended. Thank you for sharing this here, Jason!