Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace

From the Onion:

Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict Phillip Diggs, who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation’s growing spider epidemic.

“Something needs to be done and it needs to be done soon—these spiders are everywhere,” said Rich Harlowe, event organizer and founder of Tweakers’ Rights NowNowNowNowNowNowNowNowNow!, in testimony before a Senate committee Tuesday. “The government must address this problem before the situation gets out of hand and these poisonous, acid-shooting spiders develop the powers of mind control or—God forbid—flight.”

“America cannot afford to ignore this any crisis any longer,” Harlowe added.

The rally drew addicts from every part of the country, many traveling on foot through the night, trading sex with truck drivers for rides, or stealing their brothers-in-law’s bicycles. At dozens of rambling public speeches, organizers decried the fact that it took the spider-related death of an innocent meth addict to raise awareness of the issue, while lauding the bravery of meth addicts, and methamphetamines themselves.

A 45,000-word proposal was drafted by members of TRN during a marathon, 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt Bridge, and presented twice to the Senate Indian Affairs Committee. The document, which includes schematics for the development of a giant “spider bomb” the size of Rhode Island, concludes repeatedly that the problem would best be combated with large quantities of methamphetamines and steel wool.
Meth Addicts Jump

“This very morning, I saw a small child completely covered in hairy, bloodsucking, screaming tarantulas while his parents stood by and did nothing,” said protester Joe Lopez, pausing to spit out a black and decayed tooth. “I was appalled. I shouted horrible profanities and incantations at them, but they ignored me.”

“I, I, I don’t—this is just, just, just—I, I, I—guh, ah,” he added.

6 thoughts on “Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace

  1. I remember those spiders – they were awful. Sometimes I think there are still a couple of them hiding in my basement! The “crank bugs” were bad too!I’m glad the government is getting involved.

  2. This is terribly funny but the spiders that these speed people talk of are so real to them. To the majority of the speed people these spiders look like real trantulas. This can be a horrifing ordeal. I know this because I did speed 3 times the third time I saw these spiders and I will never do speed again.

  3. I have been hearing some spiders in my attic, they only make noise when no one is around. Also, they watch me at night…i hope they develope this bomb soon

  4. This is the funniest thing i have ever read!!!! These three comments are also up there! I commend all of you for making me laugh until i couldn’t inhale. Tho I’m on like four different drugs right now.

  5. The spiders & bugs…This is just an hallucination guy, but when you are high on meth after few days whit no eating, sleep & other mix, you don't really able to know it's the consequence of intoxication & confusions. That is the problems! For the futur, persons who that then don't want be tweaker LISTEN UP, for never be addict & schyzophreniac, YOU JUST HAVE TO DON'T TRY IT! And you just never don't know & understand what is an where is the bugs! Thanks & I pray for to, you remember this logical think.

  6. This is so sad, u guys need help, cause I used to do meth and when you stop the meth use the spiders go away!!! GO FIGURE!!!! LOL!!!!

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